Naples, Florida Winter Driving Expedition 1999 to 2000

Naples, Florida Winter Driving Expedition 1999 to 2000

A Trip Across The United States
On Friday, 12/17/99, I set out to see the southern portion of America on the way to visit my parents for Christmas. I set out by car.

Friday
I started the expedition at 11:40am from Santa Barbara, CA. My first stop was Trader Joe's to get some munchies for the trek. I figured that as long as I was going South anyway, I might as well stop in at Image Net. I picked up a bunch of extraneous items from Trader Joe's that were chock full of chocolatey goodness.

I got to Image Net and lo and behold there was Juli just pulling in to work with Ja Ja. I dropped off my goodies and chatted for awhile with Jules, Sara, and Gabe. Then I was off.

400 miles later, I stopped in Phoenix, AZ. I'm staying at a motel right next to a Taco Bell. Could there be anything better?

There was a timezone change, so instead of being 9:00pm, the heated pool was closed. After 450 miles on the road, I was really looking forward to it. It is interesting to note that Arizona doesn't ding you for local calls in the motels... at least not at the Traveler's Inn which is where I am staying.

I looked for some decent theater to check out here in town, but nothing caught my interest. I have a lot of miles to go, so I will be moseying along.

I stopped to get gas in a little town called Sun Lakes. Turns out that this is a retirement community. You know the story about elephants going to find the elephant burial ground when they die? Same thing. It was a little foreboding to be walking among this many ghoulishly ancient humans. I felt like calling them "ancestor", sort of like Enik on Land of the Lost, except not really. BYOG (Bring your own Geritol).

Saturday
Headed out around 11:00am Saturday. Pretty smooth sailing through Arizona and New Mexico, with one rather nasty road construction area in which I sat for about an hour.

My plan was to find a hotel close to the Juarez gateway, then walk into Mexico over the bridge. After about an hour of driving around downtown El Paso, I not only didn't find a desirable place to stay, but realized that it would most probably not be in my best interest to walk through downtown El Paso at night. Call me chicken.

Although downtown El Paso didn't really do much for me, I should point out that there was a center square off Main street that was lit up for the holiday season. There were 10s of thousands of lights. It was neither garish nor obscene. It was quite beautiful, really.

By now, I was getting pretty damned tired. I had been on the road for some ways and all I really wanted to do was to find a place to settle in for the night. El Paso, along highway 10, is pretty warped until you get the hang of it. There are two to three lanes of one-way frontage road along either side. Thus, when I saw a place that I wanted to stay, I would get off the highway at the next exit and look to go back. Wrong. Well, that is, until I figured out the trick of it. They have these built-in U-turn things.

I ended up staying at the Red Roof Inn. I've never stayed at one of these before, but there were a lot of them along highway 10 so I figured I would give it a go.

When first entering the room, I was immediately impressed with the amount of space within. There is an entire area devoted to two desks. Also, the TV has a Nintendo situated upon the top of it. I had already asked at the desk if all the phones have a data jack on them. She had called someone who said "si". So far, things were looking up.

Well, the phone didn't connect. After much testing, I was able to finally get the connection at 21,000 bps (woo hoo!) if I left the receiver off the cradle. This luxuriously high speed lasted for about all of 5 seconds. Then next thing that was amiss was that there was no toilet paper dispenser. Just a role sitting on the counter. Not a really big deal there. Then I realized that the bathroom light was flickering madly as if to warn me of impending doom. After about 60 seconds of this I felt nauseous. I realized that a shower in the dark was awaiting me in the morning. Finally, I went to see if this place had a pool. After a long drive there is nothing like soaking in a hot tub. As I was walking around the building I found a young guy (meaning younger than 30) smoking in an alcove. I asked him. He said in an accent, "no, you just get a room. A really shitty room." At this point I had to concur.

I ended up eating at Taco Bell again. My body has been rejecting Taco Bell like the builders who rejected the rock that became the cornerstone. By the time I came back to the room, I was pretty tired and had lost my sense of humor. I watched a bit of a really bad remake of "Belle de Jour", ate my take-out, then went to sleep.

Sunday
Headed out around 10:00am Sunday. I made it to San Antonio, TX. I have put about 1400 miles on my car thus far.

There was a rest stop along the way that had a mural of a dinosaur. It was really cool.

I'm staying in a Motel 6. They have a data jack that works! I'm sort of on the easternmost edge of the city. Houston is about three hours from here. I will head out tomorrow.

There is a damn Dalmatian barking in the room next to mine. I am somewhat displeased about this. Guess I am going to have to make a phone call to the front desk as soon as I finish uploading these changes.

Too tired to write more now.

Monday
Rainy, cold, and dreary. Those are the three most powerful words in the dictionary... right after shoulda, coulda, woulda. The driving was fairly unpleasant, but I needed to get out of Texas.

I started the day out by doing some work on the laptop. These rooms aren't free, you know. It is cool when dialup works.

Last night I stayed at the Holiday Inn in Baton Rouge, LA. This place rocks. It has a recliner chair, a bed that is about 10 feet by 10 feet, and all the amenities that the last Motel 6 did not. Also, it was quiet. I slept like a baby. I ordered a Papa John's pizza right to the room and watched a little TV before I went to sleep. Television hasn't improved much.

I learned something on the road yesterday. I learned that no matter how careful you think you can be, you should not eat chips and salsa in your car. After droplet number three hit the pants, I revised my methodology. I would put a bunch of chips in my mouth, start chewing, then swig back a shot of salsa straight from the jar. This revision was exceedingly more efficient than dipping in the chip.

By about now, my pants are able to walk upon their own. All of the four major food groups are present. I may need to offer these jeans as a sacrifice once the expedition is over.

It is getting time to leave. If the weather is bad I may keep driving right through.

Tuesday
This morning I played on the laptop for awhile, looking at the stock market. I left the Holiday Inn about 5 minutes before 12:00 noon, which was checkout time.

I headed down good old 10 East until I got into New Orleans. I tell you, these people are amazing. There are miles and miles of bridge spanning about 10 yards from the water. Preston tells me that New Orleans is actually below the Mississippi River level and that it is a levy that holds all the water back. Of course, we all know what happens when the levy breaks. A Led Zeppelin song is played.

I drove right to the center of downtown New Orleans. They have this Louisiana Superdome thing that was... well... super. I drove around looking for a place to stay. Finally I decided upon a Courtyard near the water's edge, specifically 300 Julia Street. A little steeper than a Motel 6, but if Cybil Shepherd's hair is worth it, so am I.

I started walking around the New Orleans area. It was pretty damn cold out, so I am glad I had my wool Swiss army coat. Not only did it keep me warm, but some tap-dancing street urchin said "How about it, Big Guy?"

I was trying to find Bourbon Street. I called the good folks at Image Net to find out where it is, but no one there could tell me. I first talked to Sara, then to C. Brian Smith who was visiting for the holidays. Sara asked me how the Shakespeare tapes were going. Unfortunately, the tapes have become another one of those "best intentions" things. I just can't seem to keep my mind on the tapes while I am driving.

C. Brian Smith tried to find Bourbon Street on mapquest, but apparently the connection sucked or there were too many listings or something. The oddest thing was that I was at the corner of Carondelet and Canal streets, and Carondelet turns into Bourbon Street when you cross Canal. Talk about right in front of my nose. Anyway, it was nice talking with Sara and C. Brian.

I walked up and down Bourbon Street for awhile. Many of the bars had 2 for 1 happy hours. At least two had 3 for 1 happy hours. This is a dangerous place! I wasn't in the mood to inflict this sort of damage upon myself at that time. I went to a restaurant named Port Orleans and had myself an authentic Louisiana lunch, ya all. They brought me an drink that was surprisingly Wedge-like. That is, there was a lot of booze in it, but it was pretty well masked. It was a concoction made from egg nog (I kid you not), rum, whisky, and something else. It was cool... I got to keep the glass. My waiter's name was Tyrone and he had very few teeth in his head. The bottom row was fairly sparse. The last thing to note about this luncheon was that I had oysters in the half shell. Cold, slimy, sort of like swallowing snot. Delish!

I walked back to the room and decided that I didn't have enough of New Orleans yet. After all, I came to this town to see the sights. Since I was so close to the river, I walked over and into a place called "Riverwalk". Riverwalk is basically an elongated version of a shopping mall, stretching along the Mississippi River. It had all sorts of the "throw away your money for superfluous and miscellaneous trinket" stores that you would expect. There was a Sharper Image, an Abercrombie & Fitch, and a Discovery Store to name a few. I walked for a bit more and found the Aquarium of the Americas (closed dammit!) and an IMAX theater. Luck was in my favor at the IMAX because the next, albeit last, show was showing in 5 minutes! Woo hoo! It was called EPIC and was about the migration patterns of some animals including monarch butterflies, zebras, geese, crabs on Christmas Island, whales, and humans. This was an excellent show. If you have never been to an IMAX theater check one out. Truly, I can't understand why all movies aren't IMAX.

I walked back to my room. Along the way I noticed that the bar/coffee shop next door was having a comedy show in 20 minutes. And why not? Turns out the show was a little late so I called Image Net from a pay phone to see if anyone was there. Not only was someone there, but within seconds I was "speaker-phoned". If you have ever called Image Net, you realize that this verb I have coined is apropos. We talked about the various things you talk about when someone is calling from a distant land... then Juli said she thought this chronicle of my journey was humorous. Humorous? She did say that she had read parts of it to Sara and C. Brian Smith who didn't laugh at all. Tough crowd.

So now I am back in my room.

Wednesday
Today is starting out sunny. I am enthused.

I drove from New Orleans through Mississippi and Alabama to Tallahassee Florida today. It is only about 400 miles, but it seems more when you go through a couple of states.

Mississippi started off as a beautiful state. There are trees and vegetation along the roadside that is actually green! I can imagine how lush and vibrant it must be in the spring. Distant memories of the desert of Arizona, New Mexico, and Texas offer a contrast that makes me feel as though I have arrived in the promised land.

I stopped in Ocean View for lunch at Hardee's. I haven't eaten at a Hardee's in over six years. They have a big yellow star that reminds me of Karl's Jr. I looked around on the web to see if they were run by Karl Kartcher Enterprises, but I didn't look that hard. Anyway, I was turned around a bit and backtracked through Biloxi. Biloxi isn't much.

I have realized something. America is largely the same wherever you go. The stores, the services, the people are all the same. Only the landscape changes. I call this the self-domestication of humanity.

Mobile, Alabama has the neatest tunnels going right under the city. I actually didn't see much of the city because of them. They were really cool.

I have actually become quite resigned to driving long distances. When it is a sunny day I can look at my watch and see that hours have passed without me even realizing it. Traveling does indeed take a toll upon me. Staying at a nicer hotel becomes more essential to a tired body.

They have an exercise room here at the Holiday Inn. I sorely needed to get on that treadmill. My body was beginning to atrophy.

Next stop: Mom & Dad! I figure about 8 hours from here.

Thursday
The last day of driving was probably the worst. I suppose it is the anxiety of being so close.

I figured out a fun way to pass the time. Stop at every rest stop and buy and consume a Butter Fingers bar. They are quite delicious, I assure you.

I finally made it. Mr. Moose (my dog) didn't recognize me at first. It has been two years since I have last seen him. That's a lot of dog years, you know. He smelled my hands and then the recognition hit him. He is always so happy to see me. I thought he was going to have a heart attack.

The Trip Back
I stayed in Florida for four days including Christmas. Each day I got a headache. There is something in the air that simply does not agree with me. Although my parents wanted me to stay longer, I felt the need to Boogie on out of there.

I made it back in four days. I averaged 700 miles per day. That, in case you can't fathom it, is a LOT of miles. I listened to a bunch of audio tapes of Shakespeare plays and one really good one called "The Memoirs of Sherlock Holmes." These really do help pass the time.

The worst part of the trip back was Texas. I wouldn't give you a pound of spit for the whole state. Am I just saying that because I received a $92 speeding ticket in Junction, TX? I will let you decide.

I made it home on New Year's Eve. I was pretty well wiped out. I took my boss out to a Thai dinner, then I went home and crashed. I missed the millenium New Year, but hey... I will catch the next one in 3000.

Hotels

Hotel	Place	Rating
Travel Inn	Phoenix	Good
Red Roof Inn	El Paso	Sucked
Motel 6	San Antonio	Sucked
Holiday Inn	Baton Rouge	Great
Courtyard by Marriott	New Orleans	Great
Holiday Inn	Tallahassee	Great

My Credit Card Bill

Gas/Automotive
Dec. 17, 1999 BUY-RITE 1000 PALMS CA $ 10.03
Dec. 18, 1999 000206388 CHEVRON REAY CHANDLER AZ $ 11.89
Dec. 18, 1999 TEXACO35360351221711 BENSON AZ $ 6.16
Dec. 19, 1999 MOBIL OIL BA21490 EL PASO TX $ 12.97
Dec. 20, 1999 EXXON 916 322 899 3 SAN ANTONIO TX $ 7.79
Dec. 20, 1999 SHELL NO 54206100312QQ BEAUMONT TX $ 10.68
Dec. 22, 1999 EXXON 915 395 148 9 NEW ORLEANS LA $ 11.55
Dec. 22, 1999 CITGO0651 LUCKY 13 TQQ MOSSY HEAD FL $ 10.79
Dec. 23, 1999 000205948 CHEVRON GATO OCALA FL $ 12.30
Dec. 27, 1999 COSTCO GAS #933 093354 NAPLES FL $ 10.30
Dec. 28, 1999 CITGO0651 LUCKY 13 TQQ MOSSY HEAD FL $ 12.60
Dec. 28, 1999 TEXACO36424596220067 MICANOPY FL $ 14.66
Dec. 29, 1999 EXXON 755 450 466 7 PORT ALLEN LA $ 13.69
Dec. 29, 1999 EXXON 759 918 725 4 HOCKLEY TX $ 9.70
Dec. 30, 1999 EXXON 759 511 049 0 LAS CRUCES NM $ 11.50
Dec. 30, 1999 EXXON 756 190 317 5 FORT STOCKTONTX $ 10.66
Dec. 30, 1999 TEXACO36560351222033 TUCSON AZ $ 10.52
Dec. 31, 1999 MOBIL OIL KW67658 BLYTHE CA $ 12.90
Jan.01, 2000 EXXON 759 680 682 3 GOLETA CA $ 13.20
Travel/Entertainment
Dec. 17, 1999 TRAVELERS INN PHOENIX AZ $ 47.59
Dec. 19, 1999 RED ROOF 022100002212 ELPASO TX $ 56.99
Dec. 20, 1999 MOTEL 6 #0183 SAN ANTONIO TX $ 36.79
Dec. 21, 1999 HOLIDAY INNS-EAST BATON ROUGE LA $ 71.15
Dec. 22, 1999 COURTYARD BY MARRIOTT- NEW ORLEANS LA $ 100.69
Dec. 23, 1999 0200DAY INNS TLHNW TALLAHASSEE FL $ 73.30
Dec. 29, 1999 SLEEP INNS OCEAN SPRINGSMS $ 53.50
Dec. 29, 1999 COMFORT INNS JUNCTION JUNCTION TX $ 71.14

Mileage

325		Arizona
461		Travel Lodge in Phoenix
769		Continental Divide (4585 ft)
847		Las Cruces
880		TX
883		El Paso
1477		San Antonio
1611		Colorado River
1670		Houston
1793		Louisianna
1954		Baton Rouge
2028		New Orleans
2071		Mississippi
2159		Alabama
2225		Florida
2426		Tallahassee
2847		End

Trip Statistics

Trip start: 11:40am PST 12/17/99 Santa Barbara CA
Mileage start: 87880

Return Trip: 10:00am EST 12/28/99 Naples, FL
Return Trip End: 1:00pm PST 12/31/99 Santa Barbara, CA

2769 miles one way....